/u/[deleted]'s posts in /r/TwoSentenceComedy

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"So, that's one decaffeinated double-espresso with lactose-free soymilk and three shots of Splenda, a poached organic egg-white from a locally-sourced free-range farm on a whole-wheat gluten-free bagel topped with Amish-churned butter, and what else can I get for you today?"

24 upvotes

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So sick of women assuming I have ulterior motives just because I’m nice to them

23 upvotes

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Apparently, I’m in a long-distance relationship.

23 upvotes

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[deleted by user]

22 upvotes

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The bartender asked, So why do you have a time machine?

22 upvotes

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Gary was sure that Sheila was barren, so it was a surprise when she told him she was pregnant.

22 upvotes

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they tell me to “act my age”.

21 upvotes

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The first trial was a real piece of cake so I finished that in three minutes.

21 upvotes

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My best friend and I used to be thick as thieves.

20 upvotes

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I grind even in my sleep cozzz the grind never stops!

20 upvotes

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Title	Upvotes	Mark as read	Favorited	Rating	Add to a list
"So, that's one decaffeinated double-espresso with lactose-free soymilk and three shots of Splenda, a poached organic egg-white from a locally-sourced free-range farm on a whole-wheat gluten-free bagel topped with Amish-churned butter, and what else can I get for you today?"	24
So sick of women assuming I have ulterior motives just because I’m nice to them	23
Apparently, I’m in a long-distance relationship.	23
[deleted by user]	22
The bartender asked, So why do you have a time machine?	22
Gary was sure that Sheila was barren, so it was a surprise when she told him she was pregnant.	22
they tell me to “act my age”.	21
The first trial was a real piece of cake so I finished that in three minutes.	21
My best friend and I used to be thick as thieves.	20
I grind even in my sleep cozzz the grind never stops!	20